Parents with Struggling Teens: November 2010

This is my email to the parents of a Caroline [names are changed] who had been escorted by professionals to a therapeutic program the day before:

Dear John.

Your commitment and confidence will translate into health for Caroline. Congratulations on taking this difficult and very necessary step.

Along with that, you and Mary need to engage in your own therapy as a couple and share that with Caroline. Again, your traveling on the same path as Caroline will help you and her move ahead in health and in your relationship now and in the future. Sharing with Caroline and your younger son that you are working along with Caroline will be a powerful tool in her recovery.

Caroline announced to the escorts during their journey, “I’m an alcoholic and my mom’s an alcoholic.” We didn’t talk about that in our meeting, but if that is the case, Mary’s illness needs to be part of your therapy together and for Mary individually, including regular attendance at a meeting[s] of AA or Al-Anon. I imagine that Mary’s vulnerability to Caroline’s anger and attacks stem at least partially from the disease.

I am sending you a copy of Leadership and Self-Deception, a book used by a number of programs in the therapeutic milieu. Please make the time to read and discuss it together. It will help you to understand what Caroline will be experiencing, and give you insight into your own issues.

When our daughter Shannon went down with drugs and alcohol, I put her situation on our consultant talklist. Thirty-four consultants responded that they were having or had similar issues with one of their children. I started a support group I called IECA Parents Being Taught By Their Children, which continues at each of the two yearly national conferences. Caroline is trying to teach you something, and you can be very grateful for that. Your job in the necessary activities above will help you to see what it is you can learn from this valuable opportunity to change your lives as individuals and as a family.

At home, without the distraction of Caroline and her control of the household, another task, one that I mentioned when we met, is to make sure that you begin to enjoy your lives together: dinner out, going to the movies, visiting the connubial couch – all these can now be part of breathing freely. Don’t hesitate to take advantage!

You already have a good support group in each other, Caroline, Grandparents, your family therapist and me. I will be in touch with the program and Caroline’s therapist, and reading all the reports, and sending copies to Dr Smith. My tagline below is my commitment to you and Caroline, and to Uinta, to do whatever I can to support you and your family. If you put your hand on the phone at ANY time and don’t call because you think you will be bothering me, I will be sad. I look forward to hearing from you.

With cheers and affection as you begin your journey to health, Judge

Judge Mason Educational Consultant

Certified Educational Planner

Professional Member, Independent Educational Consultants Association

Therapeutic Residential/Wilderness, Boarding School and College Placements

Helping Families Find Settings Where Children Can Thrive

150 Devils Kitchen Drive

Sedona AZ 86351

Office 928.284.5719 FAX 928.284.5802

judge@judgemason.org

www.judgemason.org

Once you take me on, I am yours 24/7 through your child's completion of

the placement and beyond.

I receive the setting's verbal and written reports,

stay in touch with you, and continue to support you through the changes

in your and your family's life.

My commitment to parents and their families is my email signature:

“Once you take me on, I am yours 24/7 through your child’s completion of the placement and beyond. I receive the setting’s verbal and written reports, stay in touch with you, and continue to support you through the changes in your and your family’s life.”

An email from a consultant colleague asking about my ‘bold’ statement above:

Hey, Judge,

If you are willing to share, I would love to hear about your commitment to clients that once they hire you, you are with them forever. I used to make that verbal commitment to clients, until I encountered those folks who literally sucked me dry--who wanted to speak with me constantly, several times a day, every night, every weekend and every holiday. Now I tell people that my flat fee includes a maximum number of hours, after which I will charge them another, much smaller, retainer. I have rarely actually done this, but it does protect me from those who would monopolize all of my time. As the parent myself of a kid who had special needs, I know that parents don't have their anxiety attacks between 9 and 5, and I market myself as someone who will be there for them. But your statement is pretty bold. What if the child is in a program for 2 years? Do you speak with staff weekly or monthly for that entire time, and never increase your fee? I would love to hear how you protect yourself, while also providing excellent service to your clients.

Nancy

And my response to her query:

Dear Nancy,

Good question. When I was Director of Admissions at Verde Valley School [a college-prep boarding school in Arizona], I said the same thing as in my tagline to parents, because I wanted to know what was on their mind, negative or positive, adding the phrase, “If you put your hand on the phone and don’t call because you think you will be bothering me, I’ll be sad.” And sometimes, a few parents would call a lot and I would get tired of them, but my teacherly determination always took over, and I could see that they were asking me, sometimes explicitly, but often implicitly, to teach them something. Usually it was about Letting Go of their child and letting VVS do its job, even imperfectly. It was like a mission. And, of course, the parents would imprint on me, the first person they met at VVS, and call me about anything. And in time, some became clients, and I worked with their younger children, or they referred their friends, and there I was, with this mission.

And at one point, not long into that process, I was reading The Little Prince to our two daughters, and Chapter 21 and my moist eyes came up, and I read the fox’s startling statement, “You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed.”[see Chapter 21 below] It occurred to me that I was in the business of taming kids, and becoming responsible for them. And then, a few days after that, in one of those interminable phone calls, I realized I was doing the same for parents. “If you tame me,” said the fox, “then we shall need each other.”

So I learned to see those phone calls in a different way, and though of course I sometimes flinch when the phone rings yet again, as does my wife, I always pick up, and always I respond to the messages the same day, and, once I get on the phone, I’m fine.

It helps that I am very frank with parents once I figure out what’s going on [see my Blog “Straight talk with Parents”], and get to what I see is the nut of their problem and challenge them to take over and do something about it; I don’t just let them go on and on. Sometimes I cross the line and offend, and have to apologize, and try to learn from that. But I haven’t lost any parents from being clear, even if they don’t want to hear it.

And in the end I get their tales once their kid has moved on in life, even though some of them stumble for a while, and I get to feel having been part of that miracle that therapeutic consultants participate in on a regular basis.

When I begin with my Mentor in 1996, I thought I would be working with kids, as I did at VVS. What turned out is that I invariably ‘get’ the kid in about five minutes, place him or her, and almost never see or talk with him or her again. My time is spent coaching and teaching and rejoicing and weeping with parents. I do miss watching a VVS kid grow up through four years of high school, but then again, since June 2005, when I left VVS, I don’t have to go to work every day either. My practice is on my own time, not institutional time, which allows me to work 3x/week with a trainer one-on-one, and play tennis 3x/week and schedule my interviews when I am free.

Cheers and thanks for getting me to review how I got here, Judge